H529 (2)

H529 (2) by chopaint featuring cream ballet flats

H529 (3)

H529 (3) by chopaint featuring roman sandals

H529

H529 by chopaint featuring destroyed jeans

Coming Home

I woke up. Machines beeping around me. Tubes coming out of my body. A man was there, watching me. He looked incredibly sad and aged, although he couldn't have been over 40.  He was dressed in a suit that had seen a few years and held an old cap in his hand.  I closed my eyes again.  It hurts to see.  My breathing felt weird, almost forced.  Something was wrong with my mouth.  I heard a sniff and braced my eyes for the blinding light.  Instead of light I saw a beard and felt a light pressure on my forehead. I tried to say something but instead I started choking on something in my throat.  The man jerked away from me and started yelling for help.  I clawed at the thing coming out of my mouth.  I saw people running in and someone poked me in the arm with something. 

I don’t remember anything else, but I woke up again later to the man’s face again.  He was anxious, and smiled in relief when I opened my eyes again.  At least I could breathe now.  I swallowed hard and tried to talk.  I managed to get out pitiful, “water,” to which the man eagerly obliged.   I gulped it down and watched him.  I had a sense of de-ja-vu. I knew this man.  But couldn't place him.

It’s later now.  Been almost 6 hours since I woke up.  Sam filled me in.  He is my husband of 20 years.  Can you believe that? I've been married for 20 years.  And I am 45.  45!  I spend so long dreaming of another life.  I guess I forgot all about this one.  He said I have been in a coma for almost a year.  I have much to catch up on, but for now, I am home.

Good Time

It’s finished.  The house is done!  I have 4 rooms downstairs with bunk beds and bathrooms, and a game area.  And food.  Lots of food.  Good stuff, not that microwave crap.  I want them to be well fed.

I asked Lisa to help me.  I wasn't sure she would.  I put off asking her because I was afraid she would think I was crazy.  I couldn't stand that.  She’s way too important to me to have her turn away.  I think I might die if that happened.  Sam is kind of at an impasse but he will come around.  I'm sure Lisa will work on him also.  I mean after I showed her what I saw out of the South Windows, she got it.  She watched the girl I am going to save get thrown out of her door with a bucket.  She was dirty, in ripped clothes, and no shoes.  We watched her walk to the street and beg for money.  People passed without even looking at her.  One lady gave her half of the sandwich she was eating.  The little girl scarfed it down in 2 seconds flat.  The lady looked astounded but kept walking.  How can they be so heartless   it kills me that I can’t do anything yet.  But that is in the past.  Tomorrow is the day.  

I've got it all planned out.  I'm going to catch them on their way to school.  Ask them to come with me.  Tell them I can give them everything they need.  I can't wait to load them in my car and drive them here.  I got a new car.  Well it’s a bus really.  For all the kids I’m going to take care of and drive to school.  We are going to be one big loving family.  And everyone will be happy.    

Chain of Love

I was watching her again. That little girl I am going to save. She's doing ok. But still. I want to save her.

Sammy yelled at me again last night. that's all hes been doing lately. Not like it makes a difference. Actually I am kind of enjoying how angry he gets. His face turns all red and blotchy and the vein in his neck sticks out and pulses. But he won't listen. He just yells and I just tune him out. I can't explain to him why. He won't let me get a word in.

Last night though, he actually stormed off. He just yell-asked why i didn't call the police. I just kind of stared at him. It hadn't occurred to me. daddy has always said that the police were for people who didn't have the resources to fix their own problems. He got mad at that answer. and stormed out of the room. Not really sure where he went but he came to bed much later than normal.

I've started tearing out the basement. I'm going to put in a whole kitchen and dorm-like rooms. When that's done the kids will come. Starting with that little girl.

The pool is finished. I've even made part of it into a kitty pool. I already feel as though the kids are mine. I haven't even met them yet, but I want them to call me mom and I love them. I do. Even without meeting them I love them. Everything has to be perfect for my babies.

Sam may not understand now, but he will when he sees these kids. He may be all business and work, but I remember the soft-hearted guy I fell in love with. Before he knew my family was rich. Before I was crazy.

This ain't nothing

He didn't like my idea. But honestly, who cares? It's my house right? Right!?! I mean technically it was a wedding present. But it's in MY name. Besides, he didn't see what I saw. He just thinks I'm crazy. Like he's around enough to tell when I'm normal or having an episode.

Anyway, I've decided to turn half of our house into a refuge for abused kids. But Sam doesn't want to. I wouldn't dare ask daddy. I should have just done it and not asked Sammy.

And really, he's never around long enough to know what I'm doing or who I'm with. I'll just hide them! I mean we have a pool, 4 spare bedrooms as big as 3 regular ones, and tons of extra stuff! Yep. I'm doing it. I'm gonna

...well crap. Sam walked in and I had to shut my laptop so he wouldn't see what I was writing. It was just a pep talk to myself, so no biggie that part of it got erased.  I don't really need a pep talk.  I'm gonna do this.  I really gotta remember to save more often.

Anyway. Somehow he knew what I was doing. Whether it was the look in my eye or the expansion plans for the basement rooms sitting in the table, he knew.

He didn't say anything. He just looked at me, set his briefcase on the table and went into the kitchen. I was expecting some kind of angry argument but he sat down and just stared out the window while he ate some pizza. Pizza. I didn't even know we had pizza let alone that he would eat something that commonplace.

I could tell this is just the start of the battle.  He hasn't spoken to me since. Although it's not really different from any other day.  He comes home, eats, gives me a peck, then goes to bed.  He's always asleep before I crawl into bed.  If I go to bed that night.  Tonight I won’t.  I have too much to plan, too much to do.